I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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