SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
