I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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