I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
