Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
