you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The beer is more important than you right now.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just gargled with NyQuil
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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