She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
