Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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