What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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