Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
