this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
