Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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