It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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