i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize