whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you traded sex for a burrito?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
