if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize