perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
