Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
