Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
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