My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
