Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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