did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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