Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
pop tarts are not kleenex
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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