if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
sex in a hospital.. check
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
