I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize