Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
