proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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