I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
