The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
