Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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