4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
