remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
