if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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