My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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