I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
