I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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