You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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