I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
