you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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