I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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