I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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