smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
