she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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