Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
