I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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