Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
