My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
