u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
