your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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