someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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