The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
