They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
