READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
