I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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