Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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