chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
